I actually wrote this entry 1 month ago when we covered FEET at the circus but was reluctant to publish it on the blog cos I thought it was kindda personal.
Craig & Sharon asked me last night why I wrote a blog.
"Cos I like to write!", I exclaimed.
"Ya, you can always write but why do you feel that you have to publish it for the whole world to read!", they rebuked.
OK, that got me. I don't know. Am I an exhibitionist? Narcissist? (I had to look that one up and according to dictionary.com, it is an "inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love, vanity") Or maybe, I am trying to reach out to someone out there who will read my stories and go "Ya girl, I know exactly where you are coming from !" haha
Anyway, I will give this somemore thought and check in with sister Peng, the blog guru, to have her take on this!
OK, back to publishing this Foot story. I figured it is something akin to going to AA. If I can say it out loud (or in this case, publish it on a blog), I am on the way to getting healed! So, here it goes...
I am Elaine and I am a controlling, self-righteous, psycho-bitch that emasculated the men in my life. (Notice the plural!) Wow, the ex-husbands, ex-fiances, ex-boyfriends will have a field day with this one! Eerr, I kindda thought I would suddenly feel this great weight lift off my shoulders after that declaration, but alas, no such luck!
We worked on the feet on the 1st day. The feet is a very special part of the body. The whole body can be represented in the feet, both physically and emotionally. I am not going to go into the details about all the lines and points, but I want to share one learning.
Our right side represents the masculine side of us, the Yang, and our left, our feminine side, the Yin. Well, as some of you may know, my right foot was pretty much chopped off during the Tsunami. My Achilles tendon was completed severed together with 80% of the nerves in the foot. The tendon was re-sewn back, but I still have very little sensation at the sole of my feet and the last 3 toes.
After Rod, The ex-husband left in May 2004, I quickly got very busy re-constructing my life. I made a bunch of new friends, and went about life at 120km/hr …. Working, looking after the kids, partying, tennis, horse-riding, wake-boarding, trekking….. Bear in mind that I gave birth to Stephan on the 19th April 2004. I don’t remember the details, but May & June where probably trauma months. We moved out of our flat (to eradicate some of the memories), and moved into a rental flat close to my parents. I was trying to cope with being a single mum, and being close to my mum was the only way I knew how to do it. She has been my pillar of strength and support.
Breastfeeding and caring for a new-born baby was no easy task, but I had to handle the 2 older boys too, who were traumatised by Rod leaving and by my psychotic behaviour! When I told them that their father had left, Nicolas could not stop crying and screaming…. Mathieu did not shed a tear and without a word, went to bed… Each had their own way of handling the situation. I remember when we were packing to move out of the flat, Mathieu wanted to find his dinosaur. This was no special dinosaur and I do not even re-call him having any particular attachment to it, but he could not find it and he would not stop screaming and scratched himself all over until he bled.
I guess it was a trying time for everyone. Nic had asthma attacks and Mat was covered in Eczema from head to toe. (It was awful!) It wasn’t until we went trekking in Gua Musang that both were healed. We were in this special place without running water, no electricity and no toilets. And we found our peace and healing, in August 2004. Well, at least peace at some level.
Anyway, back to the story of the foot. Well, I was everywhere and doing a million things at a time. I guess that was my way of coping. I don’t think I slept much during those months. After Gua Musang in August, we went away with Chin & friends to Desaru, then horse riding in Malaysia, then Phuket with the Teongs in November, then Zermatt with Craig, Sharon, Teongs & friends, then to Penang in December with the family.
Our right side represents the masculine side of us, the Yang, and our left, our feminine side, the Yin. Well, as some of you may know, my right foot was pretty much chopped off during the Tsunami. My Achilles tendon was completed severed together with 80% of the nerves in the foot. The tendon was re-sewn back, but I still have very little sensation at the sole of my feet and the last 3 toes.
After Rod, The ex-husband left in May 2004, I quickly got very busy re-constructing my life. I made a bunch of new friends, and went about life at 120km/hr …. Working, looking after the kids, partying, tennis, horse-riding, wake-boarding, trekking….. Bear in mind that I gave birth to Stephan on the 19th April 2004. I don’t remember the details, but May & June where probably trauma months. We moved out of our flat (to eradicate some of the memories), and moved into a rental flat close to my parents. I was trying to cope with being a single mum, and being close to my mum was the only way I knew how to do it. She has been my pillar of strength and support.
Breastfeeding and caring for a new-born baby was no easy task, but I had to handle the 2 older boys too, who were traumatised by Rod leaving and by my psychotic behaviour! When I told them that their father had left, Nicolas could not stop crying and screaming…. Mathieu did not shed a tear and without a word, went to bed… Each had their own way of handling the situation. I remember when we were packing to move out of the flat, Mathieu wanted to find his dinosaur. This was no special dinosaur and I do not even re-call him having any particular attachment to it, but he could not find it and he would not stop screaming and scratched himself all over until he bled.
I guess it was a trying time for everyone. Nic had asthma attacks and Mat was covered in Eczema from head to toe. (It was awful!) It wasn’t until we went trekking in Gua Musang that both were healed. We were in this special place without running water, no electricity and no toilets. And we found our peace and healing, in August 2004. Well, at least peace at some level.
Anyway, back to the story of the foot. Well, I was everywhere and doing a million things at a time. I guess that was my way of coping. I don’t think I slept much during those months. After Gua Musang in August, we went away with Chin & friends to Desaru, then horse riding in Malaysia, then Phuket with the Teongs in November, then Zermatt with Craig, Sharon, Teongs & friends, then to Penang in December with the family.
BUT, God had other plans! On the 26th Dec, God decided to make me STOP. He chopped off my right foot! (The male side of me!)
You need to know that one of the reasons Rod gave (other than the lame excuse of “I need to go and find myself”), was that he felt emasculated by me. Well, I don't think "esmasculated" is in his vocabulary but there must have been some French equivalent! I always needed to be right; it was my way or the highway. Worse, I wanted to do it all and have it all! Be a good mum, a top executive, still have time for charity work, teach Sunday school….. And I wanted a man who could bloody do all that and more. I guess, for the 13yrs that we were together, he fell short of the mark and I made no qualms about letting him know that. I was angry that he was not who I wanted him to be, and that was not fair. It does not forgive the fact that he left me for another woman, but I take my fair share of the blame…..
So, God cut off my right foot, and since nerves can never be 100% repaired, I will have to live with having a numb foot, for the rest of my life, to forever surpress the masculine side of me! I wonder if it is working? Well, I am now job-less and penniless so I must be on the right track! LOL
You need to know that one of the reasons Rod gave (other than the lame excuse of “I need to go and find myself”), was that he felt emasculated by me. Well, I don't think "esmasculated" is in his vocabulary but there must have been some French equivalent! I always needed to be right; it was my way or the highway. Worse, I wanted to do it all and have it all! Be a good mum, a top executive, still have time for charity work, teach Sunday school….. And I wanted a man who could bloody do all that and more. I guess, for the 13yrs that we were together, he fell short of the mark and I made no qualms about letting him know that. I was angry that he was not who I wanted him to be, and that was not fair. It does not forgive the fact that he left me for another woman, but I take my fair share of the blame…..
So, God cut off my right foot, and since nerves can never be 100% repaired, I will have to live with having a numb foot, for the rest of my life, to forever surpress the masculine side of me! I wonder if it is working? Well, I am now job-less and penniless so I must be on the right track! LOL
Posts
1 comment:
Regarding blogging, I would tend to agree with Craig & Sharon on not having the need to share the really personal stuff. I don’t really feel comfortable doing that either. My blog is really to keep people up to date on my general life. With the new age, I am finding that I don’t really chat on the phone anymore so it is really a way of communicating with my friends. My blog actually started out as a way to keep everyone updated on the kids. E.g. Paul’s side of the family whom we don’t see as often, friends from overseas, busy godparents (some also overseas), even to update Paul when he is away so he gets to view the latest piccies of his precious girls. It is really photos and cute things that the kids do that I like to share . I love looking back at old posts of the girls. So there, you have my take on blogging. However, it is a personal thing and if you feel that you are able to share your personal feelings, I think that’s fine too!
Regarding your left foot, I think you have done great with the boys. You’re better off without the ex (R) and you’re right, he was way short of the mark. (Ok, I am probably not in line with your Yoga beliefs but facts are facts).
Post a Comment